Time. What is it? What does it mean? Where do we exist within it? These are questions I have had for some time now. As someone who has lost a significant amount of memory, my brain is never quite sure where it exists within the semblance of time. I don't match my age. I have an uncanny way of morphing into whatever age group I happen to be hanging with at the time. Many find great wisdom within me, others see a childlike curiosity, some see someone who is just a little bit different than most people they've met. I carry a youthful, yet strong and decisive energy. I've come to embrace all of these things because I have finally arrived in a time where time, space, and alignment with others truly doesn't matter. My age, my existence, will never match anyone else's. It can't. My brain has been reset.
The rules by which others define their lives through age, milestones, and boundaries don't exist for me. I see others worry about the number of years that they've been on this planet and wonder what that's like. I see others worrying about situations that they don't realize they have the power to change with just a subtle shift in their vision. I see fear about the future, when they don't realize they can define it. I see people stuck in their past when they don't realize the present is all that really exists right now. We can't go backwards, forwards hasn't happened yet, so how about we hang right here for a minute together?
Believe me, I know these things well, they are the incessant reminder of my traveling partner PTSD; however, there is this drifting in and out of my PTSD that I find interesting. There are many more days now that are quite good, enjoyable, and empowering, but there are the shadowy moments where it creeps up on me that I am not aware of its' presence and it slips in like a thief in the night. PTSD is always present. Once you have it, it's yours for better or for worse; a bit like a marriage, I suppose. As we become more aware of how we are existing in the time that we have right now with or without it, we can begin to recognize that time is simply perception we have the ability to impact. Time is not a concrete thing, even though society often likes to treat it as such.
My brain has had to cycle through the many stages of development that most everyone lives through. It has had to find its' place in my existence and it seems to have landed in a lovely place of curiosity and wonder with everything around it. Time doesn't matter. It's not real. We can be here today and maybe not be here tomorrow. We suffer for things that happened ages ago and yet they feel as real today as they did then. Yet some are recovering and able to move forward and are experiencing a sense of present moment awareness that has freed them from the past. What exactly is time and are we able to control it if is not concrete?
I'm not so sure we can control it, but if all we are able to truly impact is how we feel right now in this moment, what does time matter? I could dance in circles all day with this because I am seeing great changes in people around me and their perception of time and healing.
I look at where I've been and the trauma I've experienced, the dark places I once existed in, and I wonder what is truly different now? Why can I view things as I do? Was it time that healed this? I don't think so. I could have easily continued as I was suffering, confused, and angry. Many of you know this well. You've suffered in darkness for a very long time, years even, with no solace to be found. So how do we step away from the issue of time and take a look at the now?
Step away from your age. Step away from how many years ago you experienced your trauma. Step away from the number of minutes that pass as you stare at the ceiling during the night awaiting the morning to come...only to dread yet another night. Step back from the boundaries you've cordoned off around you. Step back from the guidelines others have placed on who and what you should be at this moment in time. Just step back.
If you served in the military, law enforcement, or fire teams...you know how to observe a situation and when to act. This is a moment to simply observe. Who are you without your age? Who are you without counting the minutes of the night? Who are you without keeping score for how many years its' been since you got hurt? Who are you when stop keeping score about who and what you should be in this moment?
I feel a stark silence as I write this. I think I began this post as something and it turned into something else. It may end up being edited as I become clearer on the message that's coming up in all of this. But I think the reason for this questioning is because I have a 90 year old relative who at the start of the day said how he is one foot out of the grave, yet when I surprised him with a Skype call to relatives in Germany he lit up like a child and told me that this was the best birthday he had ever had. He said that it was like a dream come true and that 90 suddenly doesn't feel so old or so bad. He felt alive. How could someone jump from acting old and one foot out the door, to suddenly shifting to recognizing his youthfulness, light, love, and enthusiasm? And believe me, he has led a life of many challenges as a veteran. There is something significant to pay attention to here.