Have you ever noticed that there is a brief pause that takes place between your inhale and your exhale? It is the place where your breath seems to change direction; in meditation this brief pause can be used as a focus. Have you ever noticed that there is a brief pause that takes place between the dark times of our lives and the lighter times of our lives? This is place where our lives seem to change course.
I have seen the darkest parts of my own being and somewhere between the light I feel now and that darkness, was a place where things changed course. It is hard to explain, but something shifted. My perception began to change in this space between the darkness and the light and there is no going back to the way things were. I can't un-educate what I have learned about all of this.....stress, trauma, PTSD, brain injury. I know too much at this point, that if I even start to meander down a darker road there is now some part of me that says, "Hey you aren't going that way. You know what this is, don't try to lie to yourself." It's fascinating to be able to feel that, acknowledge it, and make the decision to listen to it because I now know that still small voice is right. I'm not going that way, I'm going this way now. This way isn't less challenging, but it is brighter, happier, and full of people who represent the whole of me. People who are just beginning their path of understanding, people who feel hopeless, people who have hope but don't know where to begin, people who look in the mirror and can't find the good in themselves, and people who I look at and know the good that's there. Everyone who steps through my doors acts a mirror to some part of myself and I am very grateful for that because even the darkness that many are still in, shows me how far I've come and that I have the ability to help lead others this way too, in their own way and their own time. I can show them the skills I used to help myself and encourage them to do their homework on their own condition and make good choices and little steps forward. Not every seed we plant grows and not every seed we plant sprouts tomorrow, some take time to show us the fruits of our labor. Trial and error is how I have lived for a long time and it is nice to know that the things I perceived as errors were likely not errors at all, but steps on a path that led me to a place I didn't think existed.